ANNOUNCEMENT:

My blog had found a new home. At http://gilliansusan.blogspot.com/ yippee!!!

Meanwhile, this blog will be retained as its vacational spot.  Especially if new home is not up to expectation.

Happy New Year everyone!!

   2009 finally arrived.  Still remember the day i got my university offer to UK, and one look at the number 2009, "wow, long way to go..dont know whether the day will come or not." Those were the remarks i used to make, could not bear especially the thought of leaving home to such faraway place with so so much uncertainties..

But then, as the saying goes, times flies!  Yet, funny, when you lived each moment, times seem to crawl, and very slowly when you are having difficult times such as exams.

I know now is already 2009, and hence it follows that i should start blogging about the resolutions as so many are wont to do.  However, i felt it would not done "justice" if i dont at least pay tribute to 2008, that saw so many shades of colour added to my life.  Should have wrote this post in 2008, but well, 2 days late dont make any difference, do they?

In short, 2008 is a chapter in my life that scored a series of firsts.  As the clocks struck 12 during the new year eve the other day, my heart felt a pang of sadness: sad that this is the first and last fireworks i was witnessing as a student in UK, and that 2008, had just well, gone...dunno why also, never ever felt sad when it come to new year, only this time around.  Now, i understand, why my mom once told me, "as you get older, you will realize ushering new year is not always a happy occasion, you are going to have mixed feeling."

Well, ok, to cut the long story short, among the memorable firsts are:

• Baking cakes! Never ever baked cake in my life before. but saw lots of opportunities away from home, mainly because  can stay away from the scrutiny of parents (oops,) and experiments as i like, and that includes the consideration that i may accidentally burn down the whole kitchen!  Am fortunate to get a crazy partner in crime, layming who are willing to experiment with me.  thank you dear.  Butter cake, chocolate cake, tiramisu, kuih batik, banana cake, nutella cake... well, i do hope the lists would get longer as the year goes by!
• Learning Japanese.  Hmm, another language that i KIND of master at the beginners level.  I said KIND of because well, you see.. if you dont practice using them regularly, you are bound to forget. and i am afraid i am no exception to the disease of forgetfulness.
• went to my first ball.  Felt like a princess, to be finally able to attend ball that i can normally read about in books.  I know it sounds childish..haha.  The only difference is that unlike the fairy tale, there was no prince charming and happily ever after!.  But, i still had a wondeful and enjoyable time with my mates!!
• Sounds of music...Yes, i went to my first musical!   It was simply a fabulous evening.  Amazing stage and play...i have always like to analyse how people act, and i got to say those actors and actresses especially the children just took my breath away with their professionalism!  I wonder how much effort they put in to produce such spectacular show.  well, if time and budget permit, i am so going to include another musical in my to-do-list before heading home!
• Studied in the library from 9 am to 9pm, with only about 1 hours times roughly in between to go toilets, eat, talk etc etc, back to back for about one and a half months!  Oohh, who said students life is easy?! Sitting whole day staring at the book is well, backbreaking business.  LOL.  But then again, there were moments that i treasured back then: like making "quietly noisy" discussions with Justina and Loshi (try talking softly in library, and you will know what i mean), and going teatime with them and chatted with the cute uncle at Hoffi Coffi about random stuffs.. seriously, that guy can talk to you about any topic under the sun.
• Got my first nap in the UK!!!  Sounds unbelievable, right?  Of all time to have my first nap, it was the day before a major exam with lots of unfinished revisions to do, and i was really sick.  Got panic, but then thanks God, nothing bad comes out from it.
• Jogging at the park.  Found it to be a great way of destressing, to run without a single care in the world and just enjoy God's wonderful creation in the nature.  To breath the fresh air, to see the squirrels, to hear the sounds of river ..well, it is simply very .erm should i say relaxing?  Seriously, those who havent tried, should do so to understand what i am talking about.  Talking about which, i havent went jogging in months   Ohno.Hmm, maybe that's why i feel so easily stress nowadays? *ponders*
• Went on my first biking experience in ..say 13 years?  Wow, makes me sound so old le.. anyway, got excited when i found out that i can start cycling with not much stability issue.  Until i found out that i dont know how to brake.... haha. seriously, i dont know why i scared of braking also. Wonder should i be the first person to coin the phobia word for "braking the bicycle?" Bikebrakeyphobia perhaps?? As a consequence, got into accidents that left me with injuries that God amazingly healed in a short time.  Well, i am still not sure whether i want to have a second go or not.....
• Got mugged in Cardiff. Well, this is a first that i hope will continue to be the one and only mugging i will come across in my lifetime.  My precious N95 was taken from me just like that..in a flash, And after that i had trauma that i thought wont happen to me.  That time Cardiff street seem so foreign to me even though i had spent 3 years here.. felt so alone and so helpless.  I can laugh at this now, but i seriously didnt know what to do that time, half crying half walking aimlessly, with heavy rain pouring down (sounds like movie right? lol)  But on hindsight, i am still thankful for the lessons that God teach.  To that black guy who stole my phone, hopefully God had taught you lessons you can learn as well
• Stayed with a british family.  This is definitely one season of my life that i will cherish forever.  Came across the Ridings family that taught me about British culture, eg:food, lifestyles, language and way of thinking.  Live almost a life of luxury for a kampung girl like me.  Haha.  Drank wine almost everyday, tasted better than hotel food like smoked salmon, home grown vegetables and herbs, homemade jams, artichokes, and many many more like what Jamie Oliver can cook on TV. lol. Their house is also very english, NICE and BIG!  They even got a music room and a nice garden with lots of roses.  That's when i realized different types of roses smell very differently.  Made my first daisy chain, which upon hearing this, the little young girl called Lily exclaimed with big blue eyes:"Really? i have learnt this since i was very young!" and mind you, she is only 9!  Haha.  Finally touch hays that i often wondered how it felt like.. and it felt like, well, grass.
• Summer placement and living in small English town.  Came across lots of "angels" that brought inspiration into my life.  Be it young like the one that brought me chocolate or old like the couple who offers me advices to stay strong.  God really works through different ppl.
• Fly on board A380!  This airplane is really cool... wide seats, lots of storage space, nice food and pretty air stewardess!  Love the experience to bits.  but the price is also cut throat.  Seriously, if it was not because MAS and other airlines also almost offer around the same price like the A380, i would not have opted for it!  But, i am not complaining=)
• Got my first massageS:  one is from the little nibbly fishes that likes to tickle you by eating off the dead skin cells on your legs, and another one is of course perform by human! Full body massage is seriously so good.  Lol. 
• Went to my first karaoke with none other than my two dearest bros!  Terrible singing but great time spent.. hmm, that is only when you got nothing more important to do la.

Hmm, got to stop now.. haha. sowie, got carried away as usual.  Lots of other firsts that i cant possibly listed down here, such as sleeping very EARLY in the morning and having not enough sleep, that i never even want to try before my fourth year.  But for the sake of my masters degree, everything is worth it..haha. okok, got to catch up on sleep now.

(p/si meant to put lots of photos here, but technical problems!  so TLO and LM, hehe..bear with me k?)

Finally I have a time to settle down after the crazy hectic schedule of the semester, even a week after holiday officially started.

And finally I have time to recollect on events that happened and do a check on myself..  And I found out that I really don’t like to be alone at all.  Lots of things happen this year, things that I wished did not happen to me, and I realized I had been using work, tiredness, entertainment etc etc to mask my troubled heart.  Growing up is ..very painful for me lately.

December is going to come to pass and a new year is dawning.  Frankly speaking, I found myself lacking dream in my final year.  Perhaps its because I know I will be leaving UK for good next year, leaving a dream I once thought impossible into an unknown world.  World with far more responsibilities than I dare to anticipate.  I don’t know what lies ahead, and its scary.  Whenever I caught myself starting to worry about the future, I reminded myself that God had always been faithful, and as He is the same today, and forever, so I should trust Him to bring me through right?  It is true but I am only human, bound to fall here and there, learn and unlearn things that I pick up along my life journey.  No wonder somebody once said, no matter how many times and how many years you finish reading the Bible, there will always be something new to learn.  No wonder we need God.

Thinking back on the moments I had in UK, I cant help but feel blessed by the different people I met.  Friends from different culture, different background, different religion, different personalities.  Amidst all the differences, there will always be a common ground where friendship started.  Come to think of it, I want to apologise to close friends – for not spending enough time to catch up, promises unkept and failure to render comfort words when the need arise.  Busyness can be a thief really, stealing away precious time of bonding.  Stress and worry can be robbers as well, making you focus on your need and be selfish rather than putting others first.  I wish I got more time, and be more perfect, but again, reality is: we are imperfect, with our own unique fears, weaknesses and failures.  So to my friends (eg Lay Ming, Theresa etc..ya, I mention u specifically because I know you read this blog, lol), thanks for staying by my side even at times when I am so intolerable and stubborn.

During my years away from home, God had taught me about the value of friendship.  Friends are there to laugh with, cry with and share the ups and down of life.  I used to think I can stand alone, not because I like, but because I have had bad experiences in my childhood that makes me very cautious in every relationship.  I treasure the secrets that friends share with me, but I always held back in sharing my secrets with people.  Its not that I don’t trust them, its myself I cant trust.  I scared by letting go, it will makes me very vulnerable to all sorts of attack when things go wrong.  There was a past whereby I trust people but they take them too lightly.  Since then, the wound created force me to learn to bottle up my feelings. I seldom let myself cry in front of people as some people taught me crying always means weakness, that crying is also burdensome to people around you.

That’s why there was a time in my life when I almost totally secluded myself from the world.  I worked, ate, studied, smiled but I don’t share my concerns and troubles.  To me, nobody cares so why bother.  God was the only one I run to that time.  Its really a wonder that I don’t go psycho during this time.  But God in His grace slowly led me out from my self-imposed cocoon, that its ok to trust people even when there is a risk that the trust wont be reciprocated.  I guess that’s what God mean by love.  I remembered so many a time when I overheard comments about why I don’t share my feelings sometimes, that I am somehow mysterious.  My friends, I wish I could let go so easily, but I am learning.  After so many years, the wound no longer felt as raw, but the scar is still there.  But like Brian said, God is indeed the healer of heart.  Time will tell.

I guess this lack of openness is one of the reasons why I am still single.  It can be funny when you reach such an age as mine.  Instead of asking me to concentrate on studies like they used to, family and relatives start asking about the other half.  And friends would shake head in disbelief, saying it cant be true that I still got no one.  Some even ask for reasons eg “maybe you are too picky” etc.  Again, I wish I can answer them when they ask me why I am still not in a relationship.  I believe the criteria I am looking for is not too high, its just like any other people, to have a compatible companion that loves you as who you are.  I know I always answer people that its still not God’s timing yet.  However, that does not prevent me from becoming tired of waiting at times, of having moments when I doubt and feeling frustrated and envying couples walking hand in hand.  At times like this, I wished God would show me what is my future.  But then again, being limited, I know no matter how, I need to be contented that He alone knows what is best for me, including the possibility that I may be single forever. 

I think as I grow older, and as a result heard and tasted more in life, I just thought relationship between boy and girl is too complicated a field to venture.  And maybe its just too much for me who like to think simple.  I have been likened to be like a kid at times, and as difficult as it is, I have to admit I am.  If someone is good to me, I easily misunderstand and can have the wrong kinds of feeling.  Then, at the end I was the one hurting because after all, it was just single-handed.  When it comes to others, knowing which guy like which girl, I can be very very accurate.  But then when the fingers are pointing at me, I could not say for sure as I am a dummy.  In a way, my low self esteem (partly haunting me from the past) could not believe there will be someone out there who will like what he sees in me and decided to stay with me long term.  Which girl don’t wish the till death do us part love?  A love that helps build a family and feeling pampered like a princess?  Maybe God created me naïve so that in the future, I may be called to serve him best as a single.  Or maybe he refrained from revealing the special person because I am still not mature and ready yet.  Well, there can be a thousand possible reasons to it, with no clear answer.  However, all these assumptions aside, i learn one difficult lesson from this.  Come across this Bible verse few weeks ago and it had since stuck with me: But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently (Romans 8:25).  Frankly speaking, I wish this verse does not exist! Lol.  Waiting can be tiring, it is not too far to see what I mean if  you just imagined you are in a queue for certain thing, then see so many people cut queue, or some people are allowed to go to expresslane and still it is not your turn..hmm, it can be very frustrating, or discouraging, or sometime be tempted not to queue anymore.  But I guess whatever happens, God will bring the grace that I need.  He always does, just that I can be blinded by what I want and cant see Him at work in every single fabric of my life.

Well, enough of this “lamentation”… change topic now.  New year brings new hope, new resolution etc etc right? so as promised to layming, I want to start learning to put photos in this space.  Photos speak a thousand words, and it can do both me and you, reader tons of goods!  Haha.. And yeah, less negative stuff and more happy happy thought!  But wait, the change may take a while because someone seriously need to teach me the technology behind blog…

So keep me accountable, if there is still no change in months to come.  Meanwhile, merry Christmas everyone! Muackss.